


Failure

by KakeWarlock



Series: A-Z Kpop Oneshots [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Elimination, Felix is sad, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, he needs way more than a hug, mentions of depression, slight jisung/felix but its not important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 23:52:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15651483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KakeWarlock/pseuds/KakeWarlock
Summary: Failure was with him no matter what. If everyone would leave him, he knew Failure wouldn't. But he didnt know if it was a good thing or not.orFelix has been having second thoughts about his placement in the group.





	Failure

**Author's Note:**

> warning i guess. this fic maybe triggering but idk? read at your own risk i guess.  
> this is F in my a-z and this was such a rollercoaster to write wow

Failure. 

 

It was a word that Felix would say he was somewhat familiar with. Almost a common acquaintance by now, it would creep up on him when he least expected it, and wrapped around his mind, bringing him down with harsh words. A simple mistake like a wrong step during practice, he began to realize, would bring Failure into his mind again, and it always had taken longer to leave than it did to enter.

 

If Felix had to pinpoint a time where Failure unwillingly became a part of his life, he wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. Perhaps, it's always been there, but just manifests at your worst moments, taking advantage of your vulnerable state. Or perhaps, you create it yourself, when you elude yourself from others in jealousy or sadness for they were better than you at something.

 

Felix didn’t know and, if he were to be honest, did not care about how Failure came to be in him as it wasn’t something he liked to dwell on for long. All that mattered was that it was there, lurking and waiting for him to make the wrong move, like a pawn on a chess board, so he could take control of him again. It was like a parasite sticking to him, unlikely to let go, or a particularly bad itch on his back that he couldn't reach for.

 

He found himself, despite his constant wishes not to, thinking about if he really deserved to be in Stray Kids. Some would say it was a foolish thing to think about, but for Felix, who was eliminated once from the survival show and told he wasn’t good enough, there was a justification that started to bloom. He knew how fierce the industry was on boy idols since more are debuting than others, and he knew that JYP was doing this just to make sure that this group won't flop but it still stung to be told those things.

 

And yes, he had time to “get over it”, but it never truly left; it just locked itself in the back of his mind, overshadowed by plastered smiles and “I’m fine”s that he did daily to his close friends and random strangers. What was the line, he asked himself once, between strangers and his friends? Both didn't know his deepest insecurities, and he was afraid to say, even though his mind told him it was true, that both wouldn't care.

 

He signed up for being an idol, they would point out, he must've known the precautions that came with it. He was only 17, and while there were younger in the group, he wanted to feel selfish and think that his “problems” were real problems sometimes. Sometimes he wanted someone to see that he was trying his hardest, even if it wasn't good enough. But even his members only talk about what he does wrong.

 

Despite this, he doesn’t like to keep his head drowning in negativity all day. He hates getting caught up in his mind, but sadly with his lack of korean (according to JYP), his mind turned to his best friend. (Except when Failure knows him better than his own mind does and then Felix begins thinking which restarts the vicious cycle again.)

 

Throughout all of this, Felix didn't think anything was wrong about himself (which should have been a red alarm in itself) because the thought had planted inside of his head that maybe everybody felt like this as a time in life. So, he tried to ignore it and go on with his life, not caring if his burdens pile up over time, the pressure leaning over to break the walls that have been built in his mind. The walls tilt sometimes, when he gets too high strung over something, but they never fell as he kept going back up and fixing his mistake.

 

“Earth to Felix?” someone waved their hand in front of Felix’s face, breaking him out of his daze, “I know I’ve been playing a lot of Exo lately but that doesn’t mean you can just go to Exo Planet in the middle of our conversation.” Jisung leaned back at that, cackling at his own jokes.

 

The other members looked extremely unamused, and Seungmin just sighed, rubbing his temples, before turning to the others, “And this is why I keep telling you that I can't stand being roommates with this…” he gestured the the boy who currently dying on the floor from his joke, “...this thing!”

 

“Oh, Seungmin,” Chan sympathetically laid a hand on the younger’s shoulder before patting it a bit, “We understand your struggles wholeheartedly but i'm afraid we can't switch out roommates because  _ nobody wants to deal with him. _ ” Jisung choked from next to him on the floor and abruptly stopped laughing.

 

Hyunjin nodded his head along to the conversation, just agreeing with everything that was going on. He gingerly placed his bowl of jjajangmyeon down and wiped his mouth before speaking, “I mean, I get where you’re at Chan, but only Seungmin complained about Jisung. Felix doesn’t seem to have a problem.”

 

This made everyone turn to the foreigner who had (apparently) spaced out again. Felix was staring at the floor they were sitting on, and wondering how he got here. How he was apparently good enough to stand in the same place as these talented people. However, the uncomfortable silence brought him out of his stupor, and he flickered his eyes upward to see why they stopped.

 

The members were all staring at him with varying degrees of concern and worry flashing through their faces. “Are you actually okay, Felix?” Changbin narrowed his eyes at him, “You’ve been spacing out an awful lot these past few days.” He put his phone down and leaned a little bit closer.

 

Felix chuckled nervously, rubbing at the skin on the back of his neck. He hadn’t meant to waste his hyung’s time or make them worry. “I’m fine,” the familiar words coming out of his mouth like an actor on stage, lines rehearsed so much they just seemed to tumble out without any forewarning, like muscle memory.

 

Woojin narrowed his eyes at the younger in doubt but said nothing against it, only pursing his lips and nodding his head, “Well Felix,” Woojin started, “We were talking about if Jisung was a good roommate or not because Seungmin was the only that seemed to be against it.” 

 

Felix made an ‘o’ shape with his mouth and willed himself not to blush under Jisung’s gaze. He knew that Jisung was trying to aggravate Seungmin to the point where he would leave and move to another so they could have the room to themselves. It was a stupid plan, and Felix told him, but Jisung was adamant about only them sharing a room.

 

It made Felix happy that someone cared about it to this extent, but it felt slightly off that Jisung would want to do this. Yes, they were very close to each other, but Felix didn’t feel like that would justify wanting a room with him. Nevertheless, he didn't tell anyone about it, wanting to see if Seungmin would truly get pissed and want to leave the room forever.

 

“I think Jisung is an ok roommate,” Felix concluded staring at Seungmin, who opened his mouth and was getting ready to protest, “But, if Seungmin wants to change, he’s more than welcome to. Their bickering is very annoying and i cant get my sleep.” The other seemed to actually think about it for a moment, and Felix turned to Jisung who was giving a grin from the floor.

 

“Jisung,” he called, looking down, “Are you the new carpet JYP bought for us?” Jisung snorted then promptly choked on air, sending everyone into a fit of laughter, “Get off the ground, idiot.” Felix fondly rolled his eyes and the other and stuck his hand out for him to take. He did, and ignoring the spark that lit up his hand at the soft touch, he lifted Jisung up.

 

And for he rest of the day, Felix relaxed his mind and never had the chance to think about the bad stuff.

 

\---------------------------

 

It was a given that the wall would break, that his defenses would weaken and he’d break down. He knew it was going to happen but he delayed it, in fear of his hyungs finding out and hating him. But he had just finished three hours worth of korean lessons and he had no time to perfect his dance before practice.

 

So with his heart beating loudly in his chest, blocking out all other sounds, he joined his members in the practice room. They didn't look up when he came in, already focused on warming up. He dropped his bag down, took out a water bottle, and went to join them in their daily warm up routine.

 

He stood by Jisung for the warmup and the male smiled at him when he did so, almost finished with is warmup, “Psst, Felix your back has to be straight.” he whispered to him, and Felix hurriedly corrected his mistake before any of the other members noticed. It wasn’t like they would be looking at him though, they were too busy with their own stuff.

 

The rest of the warm up continued normally and, by the end, they were all ready to start dancing, energized for the day. That was were the problem started. Felix was too hasty and his movements were slightly faster than the actual song. His ears burned red as one of his members shut the song again.

 

“Felix, this was alright during the show, but this is the road to debut. Shouldn’t you be trying harder?” Jeongin huffed out, feeling aggravated. The dense and uncomfortable air wasn’t helping the tension in the room at all, as Jisung heatedly turned around.

 

“Jeongin, shut up.” he snarled at the younger and the maknae took a step back in surprise, “Just because you’re better than him doesn't mean he’s been working his ass off.” he rolled his eyes, “Try learning a new language and working towards debut. It's not that easy.”

 

Jeongin looked livid, and Hyunjin took a step forward to stop him before things got worse. “Go back Hyunjin.” In shock at the disrespect, Hyunjin froze. “ And if it was too hard for Felix, then maybe that's why he was eliminated!” it was silent after that, and Felix looked too astounded to say anything.

 

Then everything happened at once. Jisung lunged at Jeongin only to be held back by Changbin, Jeongin was grabbing his stuff and trying to leave, and Chan was trying to calm everyone down. It was too chaotic and Felix found that he couldn’t breathe.

 

Oh god, it was all his fault. If he just hadn’t been chosen to debut, none of this would've happened. The room felt suffocating, like the walls were closing in on him. He gasped loudly, trying to steady his breathing but nothing was working. He felt like he was dying, he must’ve been dying right?

 

In his haze, which no one seemed to notice, he glanced at the open door, and without hesitating, bolted out, into the corridor. He had no idea where he was heading but he could hear someone from behind him scream out his name.

 

All he wanted to to was run away from his problems at the moment, even though he knew that would not solve anything. He just wanted to be alone but at the same time he wanted someone near him. But Jisung tried to stand up for him and look what happened? Everything had fallen apart.

 

The footsteps behind him grew closer, and in panic, Felix ran out of the building and into the streets. At this point, he knew if he went any further he would be lost, but his brain was going to fast for him to care. Unknown to him, the traffic light turned green at the moment he took a step off the sidewalk.

 

He would’ve been crushed meat if someone hadn’t grabbed his wrist and pushed him back. Felix hit someone’s chest and he flinched, but the other seemed glad to have saved him. He looked up and saw Minho staring down at him, worry flickering in his eyes.

 

With his breathing finally getting steady, as he matched the heartbeat of the male against him, he began to pull back. “Minho?” he quietly questioned.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“You know Jeongin didn’t mean anything he said right?” Minho questioned, sitting down by the tree in the park. 

 

They had headed to the park upon Felix’s request, mostly because he didn't have the willpower to confront his members this fast. There was a large tree in the middle of the grass that they found themselves comfortable in. Minho forced Felix to lay against his shoulder, as they silently watched the sun beginning to set.

 

“Yeah,” Felix whispered, trying to think about anything but the guilt brewing from within him. “But, it doesn’t mean he’s wrong.” he looked down sadly, a bitter and knowing smile resting on his face.

 

Minho frowned slightly, shaking his head, “Felix, don’t think like that. We all know how talented you are. Jeongin probably only said that in the heat of the moment just to make you feel bad,” He made sure Felix was looking at him before he continued, “So don't you ever say that you should have been eliminated.”

 

There was a short pause before Felix spoke, “How did you deal with it,” Minho looked at him in confusion and he elaborated, “I mean, with being told that you weren’t good enough to be in a group?” Felix’s voice trailed off and he looked away awkwardly.

 

Minho chuckled, “Didn’t I just tell you that you were good enough?” he smiled fondly before he continued, “It was tough, I guess. You were eliminated because you weren’t that good at Korean but I was eliminated because I wasn’t good  _ at all _ .”

 

It was Felix’s turn to be surprised, “Hyung?” he asked, “What do you mean? You’re so talented.” He unlatched himself from Minho in order to shake the others shoulders, “How are you able to debut if you weren’t good at all, hyung? Huh?”

 

Minho stared at him with misty eyes for a moment before grinning widely, “I could say the same for you, idiot. If you weren’t good then why were you brought back? Hmm?” it was silent, “I'll be waiting.” he smiled triumphantly.

 

Felix rolled his eyes, “That's not fair!” he exclaimed, “You stole my words and used them against me.” he pouted and Minho winked,

 

“Its because your words had meaning in them.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After the conversation, Felix felt less constricted and less stressed than before. If he truly wasn't good, then JYP wouldn't have brought him back. So with a light smile and a lighter heart, he didn't hesitate before walking in the dorm, Minho hot on his trail.

 

Immediately after he opened the door, Jeongin jumped up from the couch and stared at him with a mixture of fear and relief. His eyes were red and puffy and a small part of Felix blamed himself for making Jeongin sad.

 

Woojin walked by, staring at them with wide eye and whistled lowly, “I’ll just let you guys settle things...down.” he grabbed Minho’s arm and the two briskly walked back out of the room. “Bye!” he heard before they were out of sight.

 

It was awkward for a moment, none of them moving, before Felix sighed and sat down, patting the seat next to him. Jeongin looked down and sat down next to him, but made sure there was room between them.

 

“I'm sorry,” Jeongin blurted out before he broke down, “I'm sorry.” he repeated, looking away from the boy he screamed at a while ago. 

 

Felix’s eyes widened and he looked at the maknae. “Jeongin, no don't cry. I know you were just having a bad day and you didn't mean any of it, it's fine.”

 

“NO ITS NOT!” Jeongin yelled clutching Felix tightly. “I knew, Felix. I knew how you felt this whole time and how you never thought you were good enough. But I never did anything and- and I'm such a bad person!”

 

Felix froze, his heart skipping a beat, “How do you know?” he whispered, fear racking his body. Jeongin couldn't have found the note he had written. If he did, it would be the end of everything.

 

“Well,” Jeongin sniffed, “You went to the shower one day and I found this letter on your bed” Felix looked angry and Jeongin flinched, “But I didn't mean to see it or anything! It was just there so I decided to read it and I'm so sorry-” he couldn't finish before he cried again.

 

“Where is it?” Felix tried to conceal his tears but they were slowly making their way down his face. Jeongin grabbed a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and shakily gave it to him.

 

“I think you should tell your members about it, Felix.” Jeongin cried out, latching onto him, “We can help you!”

 

Felix buried his head in his hands and sobbed deeply, “I don't want to bother you guys or anything. You guys have so much happening and I just can't jeopardize it like this.”

 

Jeongin looked at him, “If you won't do it, then I will.” he looked serious and for once Felix realized that maybe he wasn't taking it as seriously as he was supposed to.

 

He looked down defeatedly, his heart racing with all the possibilities they could hate him, and he nodded his head, “Go get them.”

 

Without anything else, Jeongin jumped up and leaped out of the room. While he was racing, Felix clutched his letter in his hands and took a deep breathe. Everything was going to be alright.

 

Jeongin must have been faster than he realized or he just lost track of time because he had gathered everyone into the room before Felix could even realize. Everyone was staring worriedly at him and Jeongin sat back down next to him, nodding his head slightly.

 

Felix felt as if his mouth was dry so he shoved the letter in Chan’s direction. Without questions, Chan grabbed it and opened the crumbled paper.

 

Jisung, who was watching him like always, made his way to the other side of Felix and rubbed his back soothingly, whispering things into his ears.

 

“It's okay Felix, you can calm down” or “I'm right here Felix there's nothing to fear. It's all going to be alright.” Felix will admit it that it made him feel better, just pretending nothing was going to change.

 

But deep inside, he did want things to change. He didn't want to feel like this anymore but he was scared things wouldn't change in the way he wanted it to. He didn't want his members to think he was weird. 

 

“Felix,” Chan gasped out when he was finished reading the letter. “Did you write this? You couldn't have, did you?”

 

Felix teared up again and nodded his head, “I did, hyung. Oh god I wrote it and I meant  _ all of it. _ ”

 

Chan didn't speak anymore. He dropped the paper and let it fall to the ground. He enveloped Felix into a tight hug, trying to remind himself that Felix was still here and he was still alive in his arms. Felix perked up when he felt something wet drip on his shoulders.

 

Chan was crying.

 

It wasn't only Chan, though. Every few minutes someone else would join the hug and cry after they read his letter. Except Jisung. He just sat there, hugging him from the very beginning, not needed a paper to tell him what was so blatantly obvious.

 

Changbin let go first. “Felix, why didn't you tell us anything about this. We could help you!” he exclaimed.

 

Felix couldn't help but scoff, “I did, the first time. And I lost my friends because of it.”

 

“Then they weren't your real friends Felix. But we are.” Seungmin stared at him unflinchingly.

 

“I thought,” Felix started, looking down, “I thought they were my real friends but they weren't. I think of you guys as my real friends but what if you aren't?”

 

“We aren't.” Woojin confessed, staring at him, “We’re your family, Felix.” he looked earnest and pleading.

 

“And we will  _ never  _ leave you behind.” Chan whispered, wrapping an arm around him, “Not now and not ever.”

 

Felix found it silly. He had been dealing with all these bad thoughts for a long time and just a few words from his friends,  _ his family,  _ could make him feel a little bit better. He didn't know if it was a temporary feeling or not but he didn't care much, instead basking in the feeling of warmth and being loved.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After they had finally let him go, with pleads of him saying he just needed to go wash up and Jisung could come if they wanted to make sure, he made his way to the bathroom.

 

Jisung, who had indeed, tagged along, was quiet. The paper was in Felix’s hand and he had a jolly good time ignoring it, but Jisung kept staring at it.

 

“Why didn't you read it?” Felix stopped to ask.

 

Jisung feigned dumb, “Read what?”

 

Felix narrowed his eyes, “You know what I'm talking about. The letter.”

 

Jisung sighed, “Listen Felix, I don't need a fucking letter to tell me how you're feeling okay? You can just tell me yourself. If I wanted to see how you were doing without your exact feelings at the time, I would've read the letter. So, how are you feeling then?”

 

Felix looked taken aback for a moment before he looked at his feet. “Pretty shitty at the moment. But a little less shitty than before.”

 

Jisung let out a laugh, a melodic sound, and grinned, “I can work with a little less shitty then. One day, I want you to tell me you're  not feeling shitty at all.”

 

Felix snorted, “I’ll be waiting for the day.”

 

“Me too, Felix, me too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Few Months Later**

**March 25, 2017**

  
  


Felix stood by the mirror of the bathroom, looking at his reflection. His freckles were hidden beneath a thin layer of makeup and his hair was styled almost to perfection.

 

He had told his stylists he needed to use the bathroom really quick and they let him go with exasperated sighs. 

 

He didn't need to use the bathroom but in actuality he wanted to do something he had been putting off for the longest time.

 

Digging into his pocket, he pulled a worn out piece of paper. He calmly opened the letter, took a deep breath, and read what he had written a few months ago.

 

_ I've tried everything. I've tried writing books, tried making songs, but nothings working. _

 

_ My mind's too jumbled and I need a way to vent. The last time I did one of these I was selfish and showed my friends because I wanted them to help me, but all I did was be embarrassed and humiliated. This is why I won't share my feelings with anyone. _

 

_ Until I give up. _

 

_ But I don't want to die. I want to live and have fun, but I can't. There is this weight that's on my heart and I can't get rid of it. And I've tried too hard but it won't go away. I'm not depressed. I think. _

 

_ Depressed people are always sad and I don't think I'm always sad... I'm just anxious. _

 

_ I think that's a good word for it. I have a heavy feeling but everytime I think about it I start panicking and I can't deal with it. But I won't use this to tell someone, anyone anything. _

 

_ Because these are the secrets I can only tell myself. I don't trust anybody to care that much. If I'm sad and angry, no one would want to be by me, right? _

 

_ So I’ll just pretend I'm happy, and continue with my life. I've been doing for months, I can do it for more right? And while I'm writing this, im cringing because I don't deserve to feel sorry for myself since I'm so pathetic. _

 

_ I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to live anymore? I can't do this anymore? (but I know I'm going to wake up to tomorrow, and pretend to be the idiot people love me for). _

 

_ I want to happy. Why can't I be happy? If anybody's out there, if anyone sees how much this hurts, can you help me?  _

 

_ But I can't ask for help, because I know nobody will care. _

 

_ It's only the truth. _

 

_ I'm not drowning. I'm not losing the game. Im fine. Im fine. Im fine. (and I repeat it so much it seems like a whole new word to me) _

 

_ Even though I write this, the feeling isn't going away. I want to able to breathe normally, without being constricted. And I'm conflicted. I'd do anything for this feeling to go away, a part of me wants somebody else to have this instead of me but then I feel bad and disgusted at what I thought and everything comes back. _

 

_ I don't want to blame anyone though, it's not their fault I'm messed up. _

 

_ I'm sorry  _

 

_ To whoever sees this (even if it's only me) _

 

_ I'm sorry _

 

_ I'll work harder. _

 

“Felix!” he heard Minho yell at him, “We have to go soon, hurry up!”

 

Felix shook his head, “Okay. One minute!”

 

He looked at the letter in his hands. The past. The feelings he harbored once and might harbor again in the future. And with no regrets, he threw it away.

 

And with it, Failure decided to follow.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> im very proud of this one haha
> 
> Also I KNOW what was written in the letter may have been inaccurate but remember he poured his feelings into it and wrote it it without revising. Plus it also showcases his denial with feeling depressed and such.
> 
> also comment what you think bc ill always be a slut for comments


End file.
